If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You left your phone here
Wait...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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