You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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