anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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