somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I love having hate sex.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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