Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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