It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
