I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
