remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
no you cant smoke seaweed
mondays should just be called national damage control day
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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