o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
