I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
