So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
