I will die if light touches me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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