I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
