And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
