i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Hippo gnu deer
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize