i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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