i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
