Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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