I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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