Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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