I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
