i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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