dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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