Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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