My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
