There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
