So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
