Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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