I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
