help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
