I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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