he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
