News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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