erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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