I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
