The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
