I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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