I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
