he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
