Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
