Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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