Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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