I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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