Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Panties = found
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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