My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
