Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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