well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
