I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
