'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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