Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
