there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I deserve this hangover.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
