I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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