its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
there's paper in my vomit.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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