a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
