it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
