i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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