guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
