Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
